How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend and I are at odds because he has grown out his beard and I refuse to have sex with him again until he gets rid of it. I think beards are gross—they are dirt magnets and I can’t stand the feel of them. I was at a sex party once and ended an encounter with a guy who was eating me out because the feel of his beard against my pussy was awful. My boyfriend says it’s his body, so it should be up to him. As far as I’m concerned, not if it causes me physical displeasure. That should give me the final say, right?
—When You Lose the Beard, I’ll Find My Libido
Dear When You Lose the Beard, I’ll Find My Libido,
In a sense you have the final say because you get to say no to sex for whatever reason. Your body, your choice. But the same principle applies to your boyfriend. If he wants a beard, he gets to have a beard. You have a good reason for wanting him to get rid of it: You find it uncomfortable during oral sex. But he has a good reason for wanting to keep it: He likes it. In the case of such a draw, it’s the body owner’s choice. The beard stays if he wants it to.
Now, your decision to refrain from sex may eventually win him to your side. One might call this manipulation, and maybe it is in some sense, but again, you have a valid reason for not wanting your bush to come in contact with his. Could you do stuff sexually anyway that doesn’t involve beard-on-skin contact? Sure, but if things like kissing and oral are essential to your sex life, I can understand how that kind of activity would be much less attractive in light of his facial hair.
The problem with this kind of bargaining is that it might not be bargaining at all. It may lead to a stalemate. And then what? If you both hold out, neither of you win, per se, because you’re cutting off a presumably important part of your relationship. There can only be losers here. Maybe you wear him down and he relents and you’re happy and at least he’s getting laid. Maybe you never have sex again and decide to break up. I would encourage some kind of compromise here—perhaps you can find a length of beard that is beardy enough to satisfy his aesthetic purposes but not so beardy that it feels terrible against your vulva. Maybe he settles for a mustache or resolves to be the first guy in history to make a soul patch look cool. You should be willing to give at least a little here, as generosity is a good force to bring to the coupling and finding a mutually satisfying path forward is what you do in relationships. If you can’t, his beard may be an irreconcilable difference.
For the last several months, my husband has been experiencing premature ejaculation—as in coming within one to two minutes of getting hard. Neither of us can figure out why he is having this problem, as we have been married for five years and prior to this our sex life was completely normal. He’s tried cock rings, but finds them uncomfortable, so any insight or solutions would be helpful.
—Over Before It Begins
Dear Over Before It Begins,
There are a few subcategories of premature ejaculation. There’s lifelong PE and then there’s acquired PE—the latter is seen in people who previously had no sexual problems of this nature, like your husband. PE can have psychological roots—things like stress and anxiety can contribute, so if your husband has any new stressors or changes in his life, that may explain it. As the sexuality counselor Ian Kerner put it when I emailed him for a past column about this issue, regarding acquired PE: “In almost all cases, the cause is performance anxiety which is governed by our sympathetic nervous system that mediates fight or flight response.” In other words, worrying about coming too fast can sometimes make it worse. And feeling guilty or ashamed about it can cause some people to rush through sex, exacerbating the problem.
Keep in mind that PE can also indicate physical issues like a hormonal problem or enlarged prostate. When someone sees a shift in sexual functioning—especially one this severe—it’s best to go see a doctor to make sure there isn’t an underlying health issue. Get your husband to the urologist as quickly as possible.
Otherwise, there are a lot of methods of dealing with PE. Mindfulness exercises and breathwork may prove beneficial. And then there is the stop-start method, which, much as it sounds, involves him penetrating for as long as he can without getting to the point of no return. As he approaches, he pulls out, takes a breather, and then continues. He repeats this as many times as possible. If those methods don’t work, sometimes a low dose of an SSRI is prescribed (since that class of drugs can delay ejaculation). A numbing spray may help, as may wearing a condom, though neither address the root cause of acquired PE, and might diminish his sensation in unenjoyable ways. Try any or all of these, and see this past column for more in-depth advice on treating this condition.
Dear How to Do It,
My now-wife used to give me the best blow jobs of my life before we were married. The last time she gave me one was our wedding night. That was more than a year ago. When I asked her about it, she said she’s “just no longer into it.” I never stopped eating her out, so I think she’s being pretty selfish to not be willing to reciprocate anymore. This was something I always enjoyed receiving from her and I really miss it. Any ideas as to how I can convince her to go back to the good old days?
—Heartsick Over a Lack of Head
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Dear Heartsick Over a Lack of Head,
Your wife may indeed be selfish to deny you the blowjobs you so loved, but she also may have valid reasons. Right now you simply don’t know. Attempt to collect more information. Don’t badger her with requests. Instead, bring up how much you miss her head—they were the best you’ve ever had, which might feel good for her to know—and how much of an important feature of your sex life to you that it was. Why is she no longer into it, and is there anything you can do to help her get into it again? Perhaps it’s something you’ve been doing that turns her off—maybe she doesn’t like the way that you talk to her while she’s sucking you off, or maybe you’ve held her head in such a way that makes her uncomfortable. Maybe it’s not you at all but some kind of other external influence or inner voice.
If she becomes uncomfortable during these conversations, back off for a little while and return again in a few weeks/months. Underscore the importance of blowjobs (though keep the drama out of the equation and avoid exaggerating terms like “heartsick” to describe your relationship to her head). You should also assess whether this indicates larger issues around sex or communication. Is your sex life otherwise perfect? Is she fully satisfied? Understand that things like this exist in context and your self-awareness may not be sharp as you think it is. You can always discuss joint sex counseling if you can’t get any clarity from her.
The fact is it’s your wife’s right to say no to anything. It’s her right to change her mind. You are not entitled to the blowjobs that she once gave you. You never were. I don’t think this is a matter of “convincing” her to give you head, I think this is an opportunity to seek more information and bolster your communication. Once things are clearer, you still must take no for an answer, but at the very least maybe your wife could help you come up with a satisfying alternative path to your own satisfaction. Does she really think that you should live the rest of your life without blowjobs? The answer to that may be illuminating and help you figure out potential next steps.
—Rich
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